For many of us when we are hurting our attention can turn to blame. We can spend many hours feeling sad, resentful or playing out in our mind different scenarios that ‘should’ have or ‘could’ have happened that would have prevented us from getting hurt. Having the constant thought of blaming others can leave us feeling powerless. When we feel powerless our emotional pain can dwell and stay with us longer, we internally suffer the consequences of unresolved feelings and emotions.
For many couples, unresolved pain can simmer under the surface waiting to explode when our hurt is triggered again.
Old wounds or unresolved hurts have many ways of sabotaging relationships. They can unsettle your connection and slowly fuel the disconnect between you and your partner. Our emotional armour or protective wall tightens around us stopping the things that have hurt us before ever hurting us again This process can hinder your ability to emotionally connect with your partner, feel loved by your partner or give love to your partner.
I understand letting go of past hurts can be challenging; however, there are ways to address the lingering effects of past experiences. But please remember some hurts can be a result from traumatic experiences. If you are experiencing trauma and are struggling with your emotions then I would advise you to seek professional support to help you with your recovery.
The following steps may help you move in a positive direction from hurtful memories.
- Understand exactly what it was that hurt you and why it hurt you. Try not to focus on the expectation of the other person, focus on the act and hurt itself.
- Get clarity on what it is you need to move forward, what you need from yourself and the other person, so you will be able to communicate exactly what you need when the time is ready.
- Often the other person who has hurt you does not always understand the impact their actions or words have had on you and the pain their behaviour has caused. Communicating your hurts and focusing on ‘your why’ it hurts rather than blame will help defuse the tension and give you a better chance to feel heard and open to repair.
Remember only you know what’s right for you and only you can find the courage to honour yourself by finding your voice and express your feelings with clarity.
