Arguments are a natural part of human interaction. They can be healthy and even productive when conducted with respect and empathy. However, too often, arguments devolve into heated, hurtful exchanges that do more harm than good. To maintain healthy relationships and resolve conflicts effectively, it’s crucial to understand what not to say in an argument. In this blog, we’ll explore eight phrases and tactics to avoid when engaging in disagreements.
First things first, let’s begin with the go-to weapon of choice: the personal attack.
Personal Attacks – One of the most destructive things you can say in an argument is a personal attack. Attacking someone’s character, intelligence, or appearance not only fails to address the issue at hand but also escalates the conflict. For instance, saying, “You’re so stupid; you’ll never understand!” is not constructive. Instead, focus on the issue, not the person, and express your thoughts and feelings without resorting to name-calling.
Another common behaviour is Defensiveness. When you immediately become defensive in an argument, it can shut down productive communication. Phrases like, “Well, you always do this!” or “I never said that!” can make the other person feel unheard and dismissed. Instead, try to actively listen to their perspective, acknowledge their feelings, and express your own viewpoint calmly and respectfully.
Sweeping Generalisations, yes, we are all guilty of this. Statements like “You never” or “You always” are rarely accurate and can be detrimental to productive discussions. Generalisations oversimplify complex situations and can lead to resentment. Instead, focus on specific instances and behaviours, offering concrete examples to support your point of view.
Something I hear often in the consulting room is “You never validate my feelings” Telling someone that they shouldn’t feel a certain way or that their emotions are irrational is a surefire way to escalate an argument. Phrases like, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not a big deal” invalidate the other person’s feelings. Instead, try to empathise and validate your partner’s emotions by saying something like, “I can see that you’re upset, and I want to understand why.”
Another common conflict style is Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the act of withdrawing from an argument and refusing to engage. While it might seem like a way to avoid conflict, it often exacerbates the issue and leaves the other person feeling unheard and frustrated. Instead, express your need for a break if the argument becomes too intense, but commit to returning to the conversation when you are both calmer and more willing to listen.
Ultimatums -Using ultimatums in an argument can backfire and damage relationships. Phrases like, “If you don’t do this, I’m leaving” or “You have to choose between me and your friends” put unnecessary pressure on the other person and can lead to resentment. Instead, work together to find compromises and solutions that address both parties’ needs.
And lastly, do you find yourself revisiting past issues?
Bringing up past mistakes or conflicts in the heat of an argument is counterproductive. It derails the current discussion and can make the other person defensive. Instead, focus on the present issue and avoid dredging up old grievances. If past issues need resolution, address them separately and constructively outside of the current argument.
As I said earlier, arguments are an inevitable part of life, but how you approach them can make all the difference. Avoiding hurtful phrases and tactics in disagreements is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and resolving conflicts effectively. Instead of resorting to personal attacks, defensiveness, generalisations, invalidation, stonewalling, blame games, ultimatums, or bringing up the past, strive for open and empathetic communication. By doing so, you can foster understanding, find common ground, and ultimately strengthen your relationships with those around you.
Remember, it’s not about winning the argument; it’s about finding a solution and maintaining respect and empathy throughout the process.
If you find it challenging to nurture empathy, acceptance, and understanding in your arguments, consider seeking professional support.
Joy
