We have heard the word, and you may have felt the feelings, but do you understand why it’s here and what you can do to remove it? Keep reading for a beginner’s guide on all there is to know.
Resentment is a complex emotional reaction that begins when one feels as though they are being treated unfairly or when they sense an imbalance in the relationship. This could be due to a lack of communication or expectations of one another. It’s common in relationships that there is a significant difference in each person’s expectations, what one person may categorise as a realistic expectation, the partner may view it as unrealistic.
Resentment is not created from a single experience; it’s created from experiencing the same negative emotions repeatedly over time until it becomes unbearable. Although feeling resentment is damaging, it doesn’t mean your relationship is ruined, it means there is work to be done.
If you are the one feeling resentful towards your partner, you may experience:
- Anger
- Bitterness
- Disappointment
- Inability to let go
- Feeling invisible
- Hurt
If your partner is resentful towards you, you may recognise the following
- They have become distant
- Emotionally withdrawn
- Lack of intimacy
- Lack of empathy
Overall, in the relationship what it could look like is having the same cycle on repeat continuously. Fighting over the same things, avoiding certain conversations, disconnection from one another, focusing on each other’s faults, and not feeling valued by your partner. This layer of negativity becomes the ‘normal’
Once resentment has entered into your relationship if it’s not acknowledged, or it has become consuming the more difficult it is to forgive, repair, and let go. This can impact your own well-being, mentally & physically.
“Bitterness and resentment only hurt one person, and its not the person we’re resenting, Its you”
– Alana Stewart
How to address & remove resentment…so it’s gone for good!
Addressing resentment can be a sensitive topic. Below are a few simple tips you can do to support your relationship. All the tips are not something you can do as a once-off. Like anything in life, the need to maintain always exists.
1 -Be sure you have identified the reasons behind the emotions you are feeling. Ask yourself is your partner the reason why you are feeling this way or are there other contributing factors?
2 -Often, we can have the thought process that our partner is to blame, however, identifying how you may have contributed to the situation/s you are resentful about is a crucial step to clarity, not only for yourself but your partner also.
3-Sharing expectations, you have of your partner and vice versa. There are no two people alike, each person has their own set of values, beliefs, and way of looking at the world. The most important step in managing expectations is to check in with your partner and see how they feel about the expectations. Do they believe it’s fair and achievable? Do they need more information to try and understand your expectations? Maybe they are unable to commit to your expectations, so the need for collaboration is there. Only when you know all the information can you begin to work on creating change.
Having a conversation with your partner can be difficult, especially if resentment has been a third wheel in your relationship for longer than you may have liked to admit. You may find despite your best efforts you are unable to collaborate and resolve these issues with your partner. If this is your relationship and you have tried unsuccessfully on your own, it is possibly time to start exploring Relationship Counselling because your relationship is worth fighting for!!
