Many clients come into the counselling session with the expectation – if their partner changes their behaviour then their relationship will be much better off.
Unfortunately, this tends to be the perception of all involved. As the old saying goes, ‘it takes two to tango’ and in every relationship, it takes both of you to put the work in.
One of the main causes of relationship breakdown is often the violation of expectations. In order to change your partner’s behaviour, you need to be in control of your own.
Your ability to stay in control and manage difficult conversations is a learnt behavioural skill, not a talent. We can often get caught up in relational cycles that become destructive and detrimental to our bond. Getting angry, losing control or withdrawing are learnt behaviours and decreases your chances of getting what it is you need.
It’s important you put yourself in the best position possible when communicating your needs. One of the things I have learnt over the years is that getting angry, withdrawing, blaming and shaming will never convince someone to change their behaviour long term. It may get you a quick fix but it will often fuel underlying resentment for both of you.
To enhance your relationship, you need to ask yourself – is my current approach putting myself in the best position?
If you have an expectation of the outcome don’t set yourself up for disappointment by assuming your partner ‘should’ know what it is you want and then becoming angry or disappointed when they don’t reach your expectations.
The most successful way of communicating what you need is to approach your conversation in a way that allows the other person to convince themselves.
Try communicating your expectation in a kind and respectful manner, be mindful of your tone and the language you use. Rather than using blaming or contemptuous language, try communicating your why. Why it is important to you, give you and your partner every opportunity to explore each other’s needs and collaborate on an outcome that works for both of you. If you are open with your feelings and emotions at the start, you are giving yourself every opportunity to work through not only difficult conversations together but, everyday conversations that can often frustrate you when they don’t go the way you want them to go.
Another key point to having a successful conversation is to focus on the purpose of your conversation – what is you want to achieve rather than any emotions that are attached.
For me, healthy relationships are like a dance – if you have 2 good dancers working together, rehearsing their moves, accepting each other’s differences, supporting each other (even when things go wrong), you will ultimately have a pleasing and enjoyable dance.
One of the aspects I love about my job is when I see my couple’s faces light up as they share with me the subtle positive changes, they each experience with behavioural change and the motivation they feel towards turning their dance into something simply special inspires me.
